Living with loss

On Monday, I started spotting. I was concerned but really was not thinking it meant a whole lot. I called my nurse and she said it was normal and may be nothing and it may be something. It seemed to be fine on Tuesday. On wednesday, I started spotting again and I called the nurse, she said the same thing, if you want to come in tomorrow and get an ultrasound that would be fine, but it could be nothing. I did not go in, I had to work. On Thursday more mild spotting and later in the evening tissue came out. This really scared me. On Friday morning, more spotting and nothing else. On Friday evening around five thirty, I had more tissue come out and I knew I was miscarrying. After talking to some friends I was convinced to go to the ER. After three hours of every emotion in the book, they told me I was in the process of miscarrying. It would take some time for the baby to come out completely. They told me to contact my OB or come back if anything got worse. Well there is what happened, but I must say this is heartwrenching. It seems to come in waves. Like one moment I want to run away and not deal with this at all, and the next I want to face it head on so I can get past it. We had been trying so long to have a baby and I finally thought our prayers had been answered. We were told we could not have kids without help, and we got pregnant without any help. I have felt everything possible to feel today. Sadness, Anger, Grief, Frustration...and I want to yell at someone but I cannot bring myself to blame anyone. And I cannot blame God. It is not his fault.