Thoughts...

Well it has been one of those weeks, you know where everything around you is falling apart and your life seems to be finally making sense. All in one week my mother had it out with a neighbor, actually my sister did....and my brother is going through some major stuff. Please pray for him and his soon to be wife...congrats! Can't wait to meet you Amy!!!! I found out a friend is pregnant...oh Lord it still stings. Why can't it be me? All in all though I have nothing to complain about. We are finally getting new living room furniture! Yay! Just have no clue what we are going to get, we are not the best with decorating. Help is on the way though. So thankful for all the lessons I have learned this year, God will have his way with us no matter what. Sometimes it is hard to understand that our lives mean nothing unless we are serving Him. All this time I have been serving God I had not gotten that, and even now, " I have barely pushed the gate which opens to the one true know it all." Without the miscarriage, do not think I would have come to this place of not just acceptance, but acceptance with purpose. All in life happens for a reason, we just might not understand that reason. Anyway gotta get to work...

Harder today....

So it seems this grief thing comes in quirky waves. I go from denial to bargaining to anger. I just feel sad right now. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and make it all go away. In fact I want to go away, to somewhere it does not hurt anymore. I guess there is no such place. It is hard to wrap my mind around all this. And my heart hurts so much for the little one I will never get to see. Parts of me want to move on and get started on another little one, but that would not do justice to what I have lost. I guess this is the first time in my life I have truly experienced life beginning at conception because I bonded with that little one inside me. And even though I know it is passing out of me right now, and there is nothing I can do. Surrenduring isn't even really the point. I just want to stop time, go back to a time when I was still pregnant. I can't even say the baby is gone, because it just hurts too much. A broken heart does not even begin to cover it. And tomorrow I have to go to the doctor to have him tell us what we already know. I don't want him to do an exam, but I am sure he will need to make sure that there is nothing left in my tummy. I can say this sucks all I want, but that emotion does not describe what I am feeling, it is about the same as being told we could not have kids, because in a sense, we had it then we lost it.

Living with loss

On Monday, I started spotting. I was concerned but really was not thinking it meant a whole lot. I called my nurse and she said it was normal and may be nothing and it may be something. It seemed to be fine on Tuesday. On wednesday, I started spotting again and I called the nurse, she said the same thing, if you want to come in tomorrow and get an ultrasound that would be fine, but it could be nothing. I did not go in, I had to work. On Thursday more mild spotting and later in the evening tissue came out. This really scared me. On Friday morning, more spotting and nothing else. On Friday evening around five thirty, I had more tissue come out and I knew I was miscarrying. After talking to some friends I was convinced to go to the ER. After three hours of every emotion in the book, they told me I was in the process of miscarrying. It would take some time for the baby to come out completely. They told me to contact my OB or come back if anything got worse. Well there is what happened, but I must say this is heartwrenching. It seems to come in waves. Like one moment I want to run away and not deal with this at all, and the next I want to face it head on so I can get past it. We had been trying so long to have a baby and I finally thought our prayers had been answered. We were told we could not have kids without help, and we got pregnant without any help. I have felt everything possible to feel today. Sadness, Anger, Grief, Frustration...and I want to yell at someone but I cannot bring myself to blame anyone. And I cannot blame God. It is not his fault.