Harder today....

So it seems this grief thing comes in quirky waves. I go from denial to bargaining to anger. I just feel sad right now. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and make it all go away. In fact I want to go away, to somewhere it does not hurt anymore. I guess there is no such place. It is hard to wrap my mind around all this. And my heart hurts so much for the little one I will never get to see. Parts of me want to move on and get started on another little one, but that would not do justice to what I have lost. I guess this is the first time in my life I have truly experienced life beginning at conception because I bonded with that little one inside me. And even though I know it is passing out of me right now, and there is nothing I can do. Surrenduring isn't even really the point. I just want to stop time, go back to a time when I was still pregnant. I can't even say the baby is gone, because it just hurts too much. A broken heart does not even begin to cover it. And tomorrow I have to go to the doctor to have him tell us what we already know. I don't want him to do an exam, but I am sure he will need to make sure that there is nothing left in my tummy. I can say this sucks all I want, but that emotion does not describe what I am feeling, it is about the same as being told we could not have kids, because in a sense, we had it then we lost it.